Hey you.

MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Hey you. Its been so long since we last talked.
I have no idea where you are, and I have no clue on how to find you.
Well, here's me hoping that I'd still catch you, wherever you are.
I'd hate it if I truly lost you somewhere.
Just wanted to drop you a line or two or four.
I just missed you, and I've been worried sick about you.
See I warned you that I got this vibe about you going away..
I asked of you to warn me first before doing this..
But hey, I'm not your mom or your keeper to be allowed to such access over you.
Well, I do care about you. A lot more than I should.
Its been quite a mess these days.
A lot of tough happenings around these walls.
I hope you're doing okay.
Even if I know you're not.
Well, I wish I could be there for you.
But what's the use of being there anyway, you don't need help from someone like me.
You'd never do what I say. Its just you. And I'm just not that enough for you.


But its fine, everything is fine. I just want you to be alright.
I just want you to be happy and comfortable.
I'm okay, being here in the shadows.
I'm happy enough to be able to talk to you this much.
I just don't want to lose you. You're hard to find.
But if I do.... Must be fate's plan that I do.
I just hope that one day, after may be four years.
We'd bump into each other.... And I'll be able to remember you.
The way you are, they way we are. The way I feel about you.

I'm worried about you. I hope I get to keep you.
Wherever you are...

Just know that I'm here.
I'll always be here.
Like I told you before.
I never left. I would never leave.
Not ever....xxx

Chemistry Crap.

What would have happened if I never took this course? Would I be happier? Or would I be more miserable than I am today? I wonder…

If I hadn’t took up Nursing. I probably would have never encountered chemistry, AGAIN. (Since I took it up in high school which I also flunked—but not this flunked)
What is it about chemistry that makes me want to quit school and run away? I really don’t know. Actually, I’m lying. I think I do. But it’s not enough. So why make it a big deal? Because I hate it, end of discussion.

Chemistry is no doubt a difficult BS that’s a branch of Science pertaining to the study of changes in matter, elements, chemicals and such…

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ll fucking fail chemistry, I mean it. “I’ll fucking fail chemistry”. And no, I’m not being a goddamned pessimist, I’m just being realistic. The data doesn’t process in my head. It just passes by and evaporate somewhere along the neurons in my brain. Often times I’ve asked for help, often times my helpers would say, “Yeah, sure after blah, blah, blah…” and I’m like… “Okay, yeah. Sure.”
(Why don’t you just tell me to fuck off and not bug you cause you got better shit to do than teach someone ignorant and dumb as me? Huh?) Why the F do you have to get my hopes up? I mean, if you don’t want to… Or your busy, don’t keep me depending on you. I depend on people. It’s what I do. It fucking sucks most of the time. But I can’t help myself. It’s my fault that I do. It’s my curse. But it’s your fault why I don’t like you, because you toy with my weakness.

Why do I just want to run away and hide when I meet my chemistry teacher every Wednesdays and Fridays? Because I know she’ll fail me—what the hell is my problem? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just bloody study, to get it? (Allow me to answer myself) Because I’m not one to study something I don’t like. I mean, sure, I’ll try to go through with it, get by it if I’m lucky. But that’s all I’ll do. Put it to fate’s hand if I pass or not. I mean, that’s what it’s all about right? Getting lucky… chances?
But in chemistry I don’t get these kinds of chances... or choices. I can’t put it in my head because automatically my head discards the idea reflexively. I’m not shitting with you. It won’t function during chemistry. I just end up doodling on my notebook and calculator.
If I don’t like something, I can’t try to like it. Because forcing myself to like it, affects my whole system. My efferent neurons don’t have that much of ass kicking power to function whatever it is my afferent neurons command. It’s just me. And I need an F-ing psychiatrist or therapist, whichever of the two would do. Thanks much.

There you have it. How I manage to handle the 3 hours of chemistry lecture and 3 hours of chemistry lab. in my every week during Wednesdays and Fridays.

I’m a walking, talking, breathing, and eating person that’s not at all living.
Welcome to my college nightmare.

When?

And then I wonder...
When will I ever be "that" good?
When will I ever be "that" beautiful.
Full of insecurities, full of doubts and full of everything.

Will there be a time when I'll be good enough?
Will there be a time when I'll be someone?
Will there be a time when I'm contented?

How long will I have to wait for it?
How long will I have to endure it?
How long?
How long?

Full of questions, full of doubts and full of everything.
I want to have no more. I want to feel no more.
I want nothing anymore-- as to the point of I want something again.

Will there be a time when I finally realize I'm something?
If so, then please let it be now.
If so, then please give me a taste.. Even just a little bit.
At least show me a piece of heaven that will be waiting for me in the other end.

I cannot do this alone.
I cannot motivate myself in doing it.
I am not that strong.
I have no power over myself.
And I'm saddened by this...
I cannot help myself, you cannot help me.

Only he can help me.
My creator. My savior.
Please fill me with your guiding presence.
I am lost.. And I will forever be lost if you do not save me from myself.